The draw: in the following order: "The Tower", "Wheel of Fortune", and "The Lovers"Oh do I have tea to spill since last month !
A very special someone, let's call her J, came back into my life ! She is someone whom I used to talk to until about a year ago, we were really close and she had disappeared without any explanations. I was really sad and frustrated by this because deep down I knew what was happening to her, and wished I could have helped her but I could not. She is someone I deeply connect with and that is no hyperbole: from the get-go I knew she would find a way to my heart. I just knew it. I also felt bad because I though it was the world having a jab at me because I too, disappeared once for her (something which I am not proud of), so it added to the reason why I did not feel legitimate to be disappointed or angry.
I hoped so much for her to contact me back, and truth be told, I was starting to feel hopeless, to the point I seriously considered sending a message because it did not sit right with me that this was the end of it. Before she disappeared, we were just starting to stop shying away from considering that we could be something more than really good friends. So you can imagine that our story falling into limbo did leave a bitter taste to me.
During that time where we stopped talking, I also cracked my egg and did my social transition, so another layer of doubt hit me: what if my newly found identity was a deal breaker for her ? I am not yet set on doing HRT, mainly because I do not hate my male body. So HRT is not that obvious of a choice. I find euphoria and happiness in embracing my femininity, which is something that made me consider that I may be a woman rather than a boy, but on the other hand... I also had euphoria about my male body in the recent months so I do not really feel the visceral need to change it. Sure the idea of having boobs and a more feminine shape is appealing but I do not know about the reality of it, it is a scary change to make.
So, back to J ! She sent me a message on July, 14th, I was absolutely surprised as I did not expect it. At first I thought it was just an homonym but no, it was her, it was truly J ! She did not expect me to be chill about her coming back, she expected anger from my part, but to me, anger is the child of incomprehension. And I knew what she was going through, so I did not feel anger at all. On the contrary, I was happy to hear back from her ! We decided to meet to talk about it, and I also told her about my social transition, she was supporting and really nice about it! Of course there was the question of my body, and it is something we talked about too. To be honest it made the idea of the effects of HRT more concrete, which is a good thing because I did not really compute that before. Now I know that if I end up taking HRT, it will come from a place of alignment with myself, not just an automatic choice.
Last Sunday we met at her place to watch two movies: one picked by her (Zootopia), and one by me (Before Sunrise). It was really fun ! We watched those movies (and cuddled, I was the happiest woman on Earth, besides J surely). She also gave me some rings that I love and I wear them proudly, they remind me of her! Everything felt just so right, I felt like I was at home with her, like this whole new intimacy and proximity was made for me. Usually, I am always afraid to be "too much", too clingy... but here, with J, I was not afraid of being too clingy or anything, I just felt good and she did too. It warms my heart just to reminisce about this moment.
Then came the time I was supposed to leave to go home, and I really did not want to, our evening seemed to have passed so quickly it felt unfair. J told me I could stay (and that she would want me to too), so after feigning pondering the decision (my mind was already set the split second she told me I could stay) I told her I wanted to spend the night with her. We grabbed pizzas, sang together and watched Rapunzel ! It felt so good holding her in my arms, feeling her head on my lap, caressing her hair, feeling her slowly starting to drift to sleep against me... I truly wish this evening would not have ended. Then when sleeping time came, she asked me if I wanted to sleep in her sister's vacant bed or else we could sleep together in the couch.
Yeah, needless to say the decision was a split-second one, I just had to make sure she had said "WE" could sleep in the couch first, just to be sure I had not dreamed that part. Oh and we did not sleep that much that night (no, NOT like that, you dirty minded reader): we spent the night chatting. It felt so alien, in a good way: the day to day life was no more, the only thing that existed and mattered at that very moment was J. She probably will scold me when she will read this, but she really was my whole world at that moment.
Unfortunately, the sun rose and we had to get a bit of sleep to survive Monday... The following day she had to leave in another region for three weeks, so now I miss her a lot, and I can not wait to see her. We text and call but... you know, I miss her presence, seeing her, even when she is not doing anything in particular.
I am so happy she sent that message. :)
W, another friend of mine read my cards today about J and I: one for our past, one for our present, and one for our future. She drew the following cards: the Tower for our past, and most probably the trial that was J's sudden disappearing. The Wheel of Fortune for our present, which I could tie to the fact she broke that silence, allowing us to explore our connection. And for our future she drew the Lovers, which I do not think I need to explain but am more than happy to see it drawn for our future !!
The draw: in the following order: "The Tower", "Wheel of Fortune", and "The Lovers"