I came to the realisation, I spent my life trying to be the lesser nuisance possible. I don't want to ask for help in fear of annoying someone with my questions. I loathe having expectations bestowed upon me as I feel like I always make things incorrectly or make the wrong decision. I try to have the least influence possible on people's live as I infer that the major part of what I could bring to them would be negative.
In a way, I feel like I can't make people's life better, and that I can only make it worse for them.
But I am trying to amend this vision of myself. And honestly exploring my gender identity, letting the feminity that was rooted and veiled inside me is helping too. Because when I see Maddie, I see someone worthy of love, in and by herself. Before her, I didn't see anything. Why ? Because I hated mirrors, I hated my image, I didn't find clothes, hair styles, etc. that made me look and think to myself "wow, I look good !". The only times I felt something that remotely resembled that was when I was in a relationship and that my then-girlfriend would look at me lovingly, or compliment me. I outsourced my self-love because I just couldn't manage to love myself without anyone else showing me how THEY loved me (nothing wrong, but it's not healthy to rely on the others to feel loved).
I am so very grateful for my friends, they've been nothing but kindness to me. I know I can lay myself bare in front of them and trust them, it's relieving and moving. I wish those words could feel like a hug to them, because they hold me (together) when I feel down, and I really wish I can bring each one of them the same care, affection and kindness.
Now that I am starting to love myself, I dream of doing things. I want to do fun things, enjoy myself, it's frustrating and makes me a bit bitter to think that I "lost" several years of my life being stuck in a body I only had to learn to love out of damage control and numbness but at the same time I am forgiving with myself as I know I couldn't have transitionned sooner. I am happy, I love myself. :)