Today, I took a step towards recognising I might need care for my mental health. Not that it's news to me, but I just never managed to do something about it, because I felt lost and paralysed by all the micro-decisions that it entailed. But during a conversation with my therapist, it just hit me that I spent most of my young adult life being handicapped by my mental health. Perhaps I am wrong and am not affected by ASD or ADH/D or anything else, but I need to take care of this and have someone emit a diagnostic.
It is awful because I don't feel legitimate, I know some people have it worse than me and manage to be more functional than me, so how could I feel legitimate in my approach ?
And then, I look back at it. It prevented me from being able to work.
It made me turn down opportunities because I just felt they would crush me.
It made me withdraw because I just never felt right, never felt at my place.
It probably costed me a relationship because I didn't know how to handle things
and I just wasn't able to seek care at that moment, so my partner at the time
had to bear that burden for me.
So, even if I feel illegitimate, it factually hinders my life, and just for that very reason, I should take care of myself and seek professional help.